How to play Pub Golf

PUB GOLF

It’s a mugs game. As played by idiots!

If you can't get to the Open it doesn't mean you can't ‘play’ the Open. Or indeed, if you can get to the Open but for some daft reason they won't let you play the course because Rory and Jordan are busy trying to secure the Claret Jug, here's the nest best thing: Pub Golf. All you need is a hearty stomach, a reliable drinking arm and a Troon scorecard (see below). It’s like binge drinking, only slightly more organised...

THE RULES

● Each pub represents one hole and each hole is allocated a par, based on the scorecard from the local/designated course. So, wherever you and your recalcitrant drinking buddies find yourselves, use the local course’s scorecard. For Open week, use the scorecard from Royal Troon’s Old Course. If it’s Ryder Cup weekend, use Hazeltine. If it’s the weekend Medal at Bsporting Club Berlin, use that card etc.

● Each player takes a half pint (18 holes) or a full pint (9 holes) of beer of similar alcoholic content. Those participating who are known for their drinking prowess can be handicapped by being asked to drink a beer of a higher ABV, e.g. Stella Artois, Heineken Export, Turps, etc... If you can all agree on a handicap system which truly reflects everyone’s drinking abilities (without the debate going on all night), then fine. Otherwise, it’s a level playing field.

● The group draw lots to decide the order of play. The order and ‘honour’ changes in the same way as in real golf. I.e. the best score at the previous hole tees it up first on the next.

● Players must drink their pints in continuous gulps according to the par. For example, if it’s a par three then you’re allowed three gulps to finish your drink. If you do it in two then you’ve scored a birdie while a four represents a bogey and so on. If you just want a leisurely drink and good conversation you may want to withdraw from the competition and find another table to sit at.

• Players must play in turn. Any player wishing to drink when it is not their turn must first obtain permission from their fellow players. Failure to do so will result in a two-shot penalty.

● A spilt pint constitutes a lost ball and is punishable by a one-stroke penalty. Moreover, the player must then buy a new drink and start the hole again.

● The winner is the player who has completed the nine or 18 holes in the fewest gulps. When two or more players are tied on the same score, the winner will be determined by a one-hole playoff, wherein a straight race to consume their drinks will commence.

● Players are not required to sign their scorecards at the end of their rounds, as writing, not to mention coherent speech, walking, basic social interaction, bodily functions, holding down a job, meeting your mortgage commitments, etc, is virtually impossible.

"That was smashing girls. Another 9 down at the Kebab & Calculator?"

Related:

GolfPunk's 'amusing' guide to playing Troon in a storm...