Monday Morning Quick Livener: What Helped Our Gravy and Bunched Our Arse This Weekend...

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Helping The Gravy this weekend were...

• 21-year-old Matt Fitzpatrick for winning the British Masters: Helping The Step-Aside-Grandads-This-Is-Fitz’s-Time Gravy

• Phil Mickelson's belly for being the USA's lucky charm. Helping The Team-Bonding-Through-Rub-Ya-Tummy-Guvnor? Gravy!

• Bill Haas for proving his dad (USA Captain Jay Haas) right in picking him as a wildcard. Haas won the final match on the final hole to secure the USA victory. Helping The Father-Son Gravy!

• The South Korean fans for freaking out the players by being all polite and not taking sides. Helping The Somewhat-In-Awe-Of-These-Golfing-Tour-Pro-Wizards Gravy!

• The Presidents Cup for being really exciting. Helping The Surprisingly-Entertaining Gravy!

• Branden Grace’s incredible flop shot: Helping The Mind-Blowing Gravy!

• Jessica Korda for winning the Sime Darby LPGA Malaysia: Helping The We-Didn’t-Even-Know-It-Was-Taking-Place Gravy

• Hye In Yeom for winning the Xiamen Iinternational Ladies Open in China: Helping The Impossible-To-Pronounce-Surname Gravy!

• Luke Donald’s caddie for sacking Luke and giving us the opportunity to use ‘Caddie Sack!’ as a headline: Helping The This-Stuff-Writes-Itself-Gravy!

• Paul Dunne (25th) and Ashley Chesters (45th) for making cuts straight off the bat after turning pro. Helping The Golf-Cash Gravy!

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Bunch Of Arsing This weekend were...

• South Korean military service for making Sang-moon Bae’s last meaningful contribution to golf for the next 24 months being his duffed chip on the 18th gifting Bill Haas and USA victory. Bunch Of Got-To-Keep-An-Eye-On-That-Lot-Over-The-Border Arse!

• Cats for staring at you for no reason: Bunch Of Who-The-Blazes-Do-You-Think-You-Are-You-Trumped-Up-Feline-Git? Arse!

• Nick Faldo for saying Tiger will never win another major: Bunch Of What’s-The-Point-Of-Saying-That-14-6-Back-Of-The-Net Arse!

• Phil Mickelson for thinking that no one would notice him changing his ball mid-round. Bunch Of Get-With-The-Programme-Lefty Arse!

• The berk TV golf commentator for making a big deal out of Jordan Spieth suggesting that his defeat in the foursomes was “an early Christmas present” for the International team. Bunch Of Littlest-Bloody-Thing-With-Some-People Arse!

• People who say "Rookie Error": Bunch Of Arse!

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