Greg Eason's decuple bogey is actually a Dodo

After Greg Eason’s ‘decuple bogey’ at the Web.com Great Abaco Classic in the Bahamas, we delve back in the GP archives to bring you the alternative way of labelling golf’s ‘less than heroic’ scores.

When anyoneforetee.com approached us with this corking alternative scoring system we were all over it like a bald eagle on National Mouse Day.

Essentially it is a system for those golfers, for whom, in PG Wodehouse’s words, “desire outruns performance”. They argue that under par scores all get attractive, inspiring names – albatross, eagle and birdie – but the perfectly acceptable experience for most ordinary golfers of scoring, say, two over par, attracts the horrible description of a double bogey.

The system maintains the bird theme, but weekend golfers who are asked in the clubhouse what they shot on the notoriously tricky 3rd will now be able to reply that they “fired a hawk”, instead of a snotty-sounding double-bogey. While anyone tempted to boast about their 15 on a par 3 can name it after the flightless, 300 kilo (and sadly, now extinct) giant Moa.

 

ROC: + 13

"Take that, Woosnam!"

In The Arabian Nights this huge mythical bird, with eggs the size of buildings, sank ships by dropping boulders on them, but it also saved Sinbad the sailor from a shipwreck. So take heart. Ian Woosnam managed one of these in the 1986 French Open with a 16 on a par 3, and he’s still playing.

 

MOA: + 12

"I'll just go over and say hello to that marauding group of Maoris... welcome them to the neighbourhood and... bugger..."

Now extinct, the 300kg Moa was an ungainly, flightless bird, unique to New Zealand, but proved too slow and too tasty once the Maoris arrived from Polynesia. The mighty Brian Barnes, an ungainly, flightless golfer, had a 15 on a par 3 in the 1968 French Open, but he is not extinct.

 

 

GREAT AUK: +11

"Clear off GolfPunk, I'm having me lunch..."

A relative of penguins and puffins, last seen alive in the 1840s, this large seabird lived by diving in the water to catch its food. Your golf ball, last seen diving into deep rough, trees or water on the way to eleven over par, is also no longer with us, leaving you with a rather fishy smell on your card.

 

 

DODO: +10

 

"There's no point chasing me, I'll just run off that cliff there and... oh, bugger..."

Overcome by man, the dodo was hunted down, battered with wooden clubs, hacked at and cut up with sharp iron blades, until it was no more. Just like your sleeve of golf balls and your monthly medal card. But you’re not alone; Tom Weiskopf dodoed the 12th at the 1980 US Masters. And of course, poor old Greg Eason did just that on Sunday.

 

VULTURE: + 9

"Jeez, I'm starvin'..."

The sight of vultures wheeling overhead is bad news for whoever is agonising on the ground. These birds can smell a meal in the making from miles away. And when you finally stagger off the green after a nine over par for one hole, that’s exactly what you are: dead meat.

 

PARTRIDGE: +8

"No Alan Partridge jokes right?! Oh, go on then.. Ahaaaaah..."

A bird that likes to nest in hollows lined with grass or leaves, concealed under a bush or a hedge. When disturbed on open ground, it rises up with startling suddenness into a whirring flight, often coming to rest out of sight. Its song is a distinctive creaking or grating. Does that sound familiar?

 

 

QUAIL: +7

"Evenin..."

This little bird is quite happy to stay in small groups on the ground, usually unseen in the longer grass, choosing to take to the air only when it has been surprised. When it does fly, it goes hard, fast, low and quite erratically. Pretty much like a golf ball running up an eleven on a par four, in fact.

 

SNIPE: +6

"Who you calling gutta-snipe?!"

This is a wading bird that pokes around for food in wet, marshy ground. In the second half of the 19th century, bad players who were always looking for their ball were called “gutta- snipes”, hence the modern guttersnipe, or contemptible person.

 

 

GOOSE: +5

"Ere, no cliched 'goose' jokes right? Oh, you already have..."

The well-fatted goose is a delicacy. Golfers, however, try their hardest to avoid them, on the grounds that they are indigestible and ruin their day. Who wants to go to the clubhouse and admit, “I’ve been goosed!”?

 

 

TURKEY: +4

"Turkey Bingo eh? Think I'll pop along..."

This heavy, noisy bird was originally a native of the Americas, but today scores of four over par for a hole can be found on every continent. The President of the US pardons a turkey every year at Thanksgiving. Can you find it in yourself to be as forgiving?

 

 

GROUSE: +3

"Anyone fancy a pint?"

If you’ve had a bad round, tell your friends about it over a glass of fine Scotch whisky. We imagine Jean Van de Velde did, after one of the most famous grouses in modern golf.

 

HAWK: +2

"Just make sure you get my best side, right?!"

With long, patient hours of training, this keen-eyed hunter can be taught to obey a human master. Just as a golf ball can be trained to head for the hole just two over par.